Saturday, August 29, 2009

Bye Bye Blogger

Blogger, it's been almost a year and I feel the need to re-evaluate our relationship. When we first met I was a naive young thing, fresh to the wilds of the Interwebs. I've grown and changed. My needs are different now. And I feel that we've moved apart. So I'm moving on.

Please find my blog at

I promise this will be the last change for a while.

Bye Bye Fly

Sometimes I regret this being a semi-public blog, because I would dearly love to blog about my recent dating life. But I shall not. I will simply say that my schedule has become more open.

Anyway, on to other subjects. Oh my goodness how happy am I? I made Comment of the Week on Bye Bye Pie! June is the funniest blogger I know. Funnier than I Can Has Cheezburger, and that's pretty funny. And she is incredibly prolific. I think she posts every day! How can one person have that much funny? Anyway, if you don't read her you should. Just know that you're going to start incorporating phrases such as ding dang and bringing milkshakes to people's yards.

June has bajillions of readers and they all leave funny comments, so she selects one each week as best. I would totally love to steal that idea but a) that would be totally cheesy and b) I have like 5 readers and I think the charm would wear off after about 5 weeks. So I'll just stick to stealing her phrases and stories to make me seem wittier than I truly am. Thanks June!

Here is a fantastically crappy picture for you. Goes to show you should not try to take pictures at dusk. This picture was completely black with a flash of white for the street sign, but thanks to the magic of my computer, I have summoned up a photo for you. Kind of like serving you a burned casserole with the top scraped off. But we're friends, right?

Anyway, the point of this picture is to show off my new storm door. I just got it put in this summer and it sure is handy. Not only does it let my neighbors know I'm open to receiving callers, it is the best fly-letter-outer ever! I am not a fan of flies. In fact one of the most memorable experiences I have is being at a wedding in Mexico where the family served a buffet outdoors. It was COVERED in flies. I was hungry, but I barely ate anything. And the grosser thing was that no one else seemed all that put out by it! They were all eating!!!!!!
Back to Baltimore and my fly problem. As Cecilia gets older she is moving more and more slowly. Which means the door is open longer when we come in from our walks. I think flies in Baltimore must have some sophisticated communication device of which we are completely unaware. Because approximately 8.4 flies come in each time I open the door. And then they're buzzing around, dive bombing my food, playing chicken with the light bulbs, you know the drill. So very very annoying. But if I discover them during the day, I can simply open my front door and let the magic window that is my storm door sing her sweet siren song. Bye bye fly!
Not to be confused with Bye Bye Pie. Seriously, go read it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Grape Gripes

I brought grapes into work this week. They were delicious! Crisp, juicy, sweet. My coworkers thought they were yummy too. Except that Shabaz Muffalet choked a little when he heard they were from the Walmart*. After all, this is Maryland. And Shabaz Muffalet is a blue blue Democrat. Which I think means he hates Walmart. I'd say he's a navy blue Democrat, but that sounds a little too close to Navy, which is part of the military, which I don't think is much of a concern for blue Democrats at all. But what do I know? I'm just a purple girl here in a blue state. Shabaz Muffalet told me once that I'm the most democratic Repulican he knows, on account of me voting to pay for libraries and schools. What can I say? I prefer when my checker-outer at the Walmart can read.

So I guess I'd say Shabaz Muffalet is a royal blue Democrat. But maybe "royal" connotes monarchies or dictatorships. Hmm. Let's call him an azure blue Democrat. Azure blue is a nice color. And besides, it's one of the official colors of my sorority in college. But I'm guessing that not everyone in my sorority was a Democrat.

Anyway, back to the Walmart. The super Walmart has the best and cheapest produce I have found. Sounds weird, but it's true. My other options are the Shoppers (which regularly has wilted produce) or Whole Paycheck (need I say more?). Oh, and there is a gucci Safeway kind of close, but their prices are almost up there with WP. And the produce at the Walmart is usually really good. I've had delicious Anjou pears, asparagus, leeks, etc. So I feel a little bad for ruining the environment by eating California grapes bought from the Walmart (two strikes!), but man, it's the only game in town.**

I wish I could quit you, Walmart.

*Have you ever noticed that things are funnier when you put a "the" in front of them. For example, "he has shingles" just sounds sad. But "he got the shingles" sounds kind of funny. Unless it's something that normally starts with "the." Like "I have the measles." Not funny at all.

**OK, not quite the only game in town. I belong to a CSA and I also frequent our local farmers markets, but none of them are selling grapes or bananas. Does the CSA help to cancel out my Walmart debt?

Monday, August 24, 2009

I Am Becoming the Crazy Neighborhood Curmudgeon

I am well on my way to becoming the neighborhood curmudgeon. Along the lines of "You kids get off my lawn!" Except that I don't have a lawn. And my issue is usually less with kids playing and more with 20-somethings peeing.

I am not joking.

One of the joys of living in the city (along with higher taxes, urban squirrels (rats), and sky rats (pigeons))* is an inordinate amount of bars within walking distance. This is awesome for me, because I don't have to worry about drinking and driving ever. Note: This feature was more awesome for me when I moved here as a hip happening city girl. Now that I have morphed into curmudgeon, the presense of the bars is neither here nor there.


Now my excitement for the evening consists of taking Cecilia for a walk, catching people peeing in alleys and then yelling at them in tones of righteous indignation. Woo! I just wish I had a super-sneaky camera and could catch them in the act. Wouldn't that be fun? I could put posters up everywhere with my pictures.

See? Curmudgeon.

But wait! There's more! (That Ginzu knife commercial is etched in my brain.)

On top of my curmudgeonliness (yes, I just made that up), let's add some crazy. Because that is what the neighbors are going to think when they see Cecilia in her booties. Let's take a look, shall we?

This show was taken last year in the snow. Note the galoshes. While I realize that does seem a little over the top, I was trying to protect her paws from road salt. Because I am a good dog mom, even though she has a tumor.

Today? It's in the 80s, no chance of any precipitation and Cecilia's back in the galoshes. But let's call them booties now so it doesn't seem so weather-dependent, ok?

Last night Cecilia got up from her dog bed, stepped onto the hardwood floor and all four of her legs went out from under her. She just could not get a grip. I'm watching her scrabbling and thinking that this would have been funny had it not been so pathetic. Then I remember the booties. Which are basically balloons with the narrow part cut off, so they have terrific traction on the hardwood. I put them on her and she is doing MUCH better. She even walked down the stairs on her own this morning!

So now I'll be walking down the street with a Quasimodo dog wearing galoshes. Give me a few more years and I'll start muttering to myself. About smacky frat boys peeing in my alley.

* Every city has issues, but I still pink puffy heart Baltimore.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hair Products and Dead People

Note: The following post is completely and obsessively hair focused. You may want to skip this one if you a) naturally have hair like Farrah Fawcett, b) have hair like Sinead O'Connor in the late 90s or c) are male.

As you can kind of tell from my profile picture, I have curly hair. This has caused me tremendous angst as a child and young adult. I'm finally reconciled to my curl, but that doesn't stop me from believing in that "magic product." You know, the one that makes your curls large, soft, bouncy, alluring, frizz-free... you get the point. This has caused me to waste all kinds of money over the years.

Recently I shelled out a car payment to have a "curly haircut professional" cut my hair. She cut it dry instead of wet to "work with my natural curl." I have to say, that kind of made sense to me. What did not make sense was spending another car payment on her recommended products. I've been using them for about a month now, and I'm not impressed.

This is Devacurl AnGEL. Here is the official PR on it:
DevaCurl Angel 32 oz (946 oz) Hyper-Angelic Conditioning Gel, part of Deva
Products is a gentle heavenly and clear frizz control light weight get that
conditions as well as holds. PH 6
What is Angélls function? Angéll is a clear, light weight, moisturizing and defining gel. It crystallizes the wet curl formation until it dries, protecting it from outside interferences such as wind which can cause friction & frizz when agitated.

Supposedly you put it on while your hair is wet, and then let it air dry. I'd say this is average in performance. The plus is that your hair is not crunchy, but I think it is also frizz prone. With Baltimore's humidity, this is an issue.

This is Set Up and Above. Again, the PR:

DevaCurl Set Up and Above 3.8 oz (115 ml), part of Deva Products, formally Set me Up is A versatile, moisturizing styler for optimum hold, lift and shine. Botanically infused with jojoba, olive oil and cupuacu seed oil.

Directions:Apply a generous amount of Set Up & Above! to the palms of your hands. In a rustling motion, move the product through the hair and scalp to create maximum lift, seperation and texture. Style to your individual needs and enjoy the
benefits of Set Up & Above!

I was using this on my dry hair (after using the gel above) to help with frizz control. Not too successful. So you can imagine my surprise when I actually take time to READ the label and it says to use on wet hair. I tried that last night and let it air dry. The results are not pretty. Thank goodness I have no dates tonight! I'm like Frizzy McFrizzerson up in here.


Behold the got2be glued. This stuff is exponentially cheaper than the special curly hair products above. And it works pretty well all things considered.

I will say that it makes your hair kind of crunchy at first, but you can smoosh out the crunch without getting too much frizz. And it lasts for a couple of days!

I find it ironic that it is marketed to the teen crowd as being exceptionally good for creating spikes and mohawks. And when I told the curly hair specialist that I was using it she acted completely shocked and appalled. According to her it leaves a film on my hair that even shampoo can't remove (not that you are actually supposed to shampoo curly hair all that much). Oh no! Not film!

And then I started thinking, maybe it's the film that takes away some of the frizz. So maybe I'm actually loving me some film and I don't even know it. Maybe film was Farrah's secret that she has now taken to the grave.

PS Shabaz Muffalet's shoes still squeak. I am no longer amused.

PPS Blogger, your spacing sucks. I am beginning to hate you. Can anyone recommend a better blog host?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Things Being Ogled

Bosslady had to run an errand at the bike shop today. Shabaz Muffalet told her to not ogle the hot young things that change your tires and generally make your bike safe to ride.

Except he said ogle rhyming with toggle. And I said I thought it was ogle rhyming with google.

Which brings me to my deep and abiding love for the interweb and specifically Merriam Webster. Did you know you can listen to the word's pronunciation? Try it for yourself: ogle. Click on the little red speaker icon and you'll find that ogle is actually pronounced OH-gull. Who knew?

Those crafty Merriam Webster folk, that's who.

UPDATE: Shabaz Muffalet's shoes are squeaking again! I am beside myself.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cracking Myself Up

I have been keeping myself in stitches lately. Not like go to the ER and get stitched up stitches, or even cross stitch stitches (although I do stitch cross stitch) but just generally finding myself hilarious. It's highly entertaining. I recommend it. Finding yourself hilarious, that is. Because you probably won't find me hilarious. None of my coworkers do. But that's ok.

Example 1
My coworker's shoes squeak. His revolutionary name is Shabaz Muffaletta, so we'll just refer to him as Shabaz Muffalet for short. (ha! I'm cracking myself up again! will this ever end?!?!?). Anyway, to give you some background information I must tell you that I kind of work in sales. So I'm constantly on the phone and usually making cold calls. Somehow or another I got fixated on the squeak of Shabaz Muffalet's shoe, so that every time he walked by I cracked up. Needless to say, this has impeded my productivity today. Not to mention there are going to be a ton of people listening to phone messages that end abruptly in laughter (if you are in Maryland, DC or Virginia and get a voicemail full of laughter and snorts, that's me. I apologize).

Example 2
I call my sister to say hi. Turns out she is cleaning out her infant's closet. [That girl does have a LOT of clothes. So many that I was forbidden to buy any for her. How cruel! Seriously, the first girl baby in the family and I can't buy any pink? Where is the justice in this world?]. Anyway, back to the closet. The minute she told me that do you know what popped into my head?


Specifically his "Cleaning Out My Closet" song. I don't know if that is the exact title, but I do know how the chorus goes. So I sang it to my sister:

I'm sorry mama,
I never meant to hurt you-oo.
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet.

One more time...

Multiple times.

Off key.

Whenever she tried to change the subject.

And all the time I'm finding myself

Example 3
Bosslady wore a dress to work today. It's a hand me down from a good friend of hers who died in an accident**. The dress is pretty, but not Bosslady's normal style. Everyone in the office has commented on this fact - it's not just me. At which point I said "Hey Bosslady, Gilligan's Island called. Marianne wants her dress back." Except that I messed up and said Ginger because I couldn't remember Marianne. Which sparked a whole Gilligan's Island conversation. Which was eclipsed by Shabaz Muffalet's squeak stoppage on account of the Gold Bond Powder that Bosslady brought back from the Walmart.

Maybe now I can make some calls. Or maybe I'll just remember the squeakage and crack up again. Either way I have to get back to work.

*Explicit lyrics. Be warned. Eminem has some issues.

** I know I have no couth. Or would that actually be better phrased, "I know I am uncouth"? Anyway, couth = not me.